Thursday, April 23, 2009

Lost Zombies Submission

I'm sorry for being lax on my posts, it's been a rough month to say the least.

This post brings us back about two weeks in some town in Bunkville Ohio for an off the top of the head zombie photo shoot. I'd pieced together the fact that I am obsessed with zombies, I live with an art student, and one of my good friends is a professional photographer. is currently in the process of assembling a scrapbook documenting the zombies apocalypse; I can't lose!

Special thanks to Pamela White, Ryan Nichols, and James Schultz for the help by the way.

Through a series of small disagreements and hideous makeup at my expense, we concocted a blend of diced tomatoes, Karo syrup, and cherry pie filling which was amazingly gory and vile to the touch. The shoot took place in an old barn which was perfect. The previous owner had owned a roadside fruit stand with floral arrangements. Gas can, large spear like contraptions, random shit strewn about; we couldn't have planned it better.

"Alright, put this plastic bag over your head so we can throw pie filling at you"

Now that I looked like a zombie, it was time to get down and dirty. James is the resident crazy guy who I'm surprised finished the night with his pants on, so he was the obvious choice to get covered with yuck and be the helpless victim. We put a battered copy of the Zombie Survival Guide in one hand, a crowbar in the other, and went to work.

There's James

We poured the congealed shit salad that imitated guts on top of his ripped shirt and I hovered above him as though I was devouring his flesh. Aside from a LOT of outtakes where we look like homosexual undead enthusiasts, we managed to get a great shot which we used for the submission. Despite the fact that by the end I was stuck to him, and it was balls cold, an all out good night. Preparation video to come as well. Enjoy!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Jesus In Left 4 Dead

"Because he hath appointed a day, in which he will judge the world in righteousness by [that] man whom he hath ordained; [whereof] he hath given assurance unto all [men], in that he hath raised him from the dead." (Acts 17:31)

“I hate religion” - (Bikers 4:13)

It happened the day before Easter. Francis spoketh too much shiteth and I was forced to feed him a lead salad. The prophetic image you are about to see is real. Jesus and his lawyer are coming back and the apocalypse is nigh. Judge not less ye be judged and other mixed metaphors. Repent ye sinners or face the holy wrath of an automatic shotgun at the hands of the true messiah.

Our father, who art in heaven, Francis be thy name
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in Mercy Hospital
Give us this day our daily pain pills
And forgive us our friendly fire, as we forgive those who friendly fire against us
Lead us not into a horde of infected,
But deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, forever and ever

Friday, April 10, 2009

Zombie Hunters

The Zombie Hunters is one of the more compelling zombie comics available on the web. The story follows a team of zombie hunters in an old fashioned zombie outbreak situation. The comic possesses the humorous charm of Penny Arcade coupled with the tense feel of Night Zero.

The characters are dynamic and there is a lot of story behind what could just as easily be a shallow frame by frame gore fest. Zombie Hunters is a perfect slip into oblivion during a stressful daily malaise. The comic is sprinkled with what I can almost certainly decipher as zombie game humor and references. I mean come on, people inclined enough to write a zombie comic have probably shot a few zombie heads to shit in their day, right?

Having just become part of the readership, I can't actually give you the play by play, nor do I feel obligated to do so. Simply put, Zombie Hunters is a brilliantly designed web comic that zombie fans will undoubtedly get undead mahogany over. Just make sure to devote enough time to life's necessities before plunging too far into the abyss. Sleep and jobs are important, I think.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Zombie Photos

Turning yourself into a zombie is one of the better ways to spend boring days at work. All you need is Photoshop, ass loads of free time, and a split second reflex to click to an informational site when your boss walks by. This is the best site that I've found to zombify yourself thus far. I have a few that I've done aside from my avatar, but I'm currently in the process of cutting out exes and replacing them with George Romero. For those of us without the resources to participate in zombie dress up in the flesh, this is a great alternative to becoming a zombie yourself. Happy mutations.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Zombie Apocalypse Update

Your new favorite zombie game looms around the corner, waiting for that crucial release date to suck your brains out through face. As far as I have read, the social life of zombie enthusiasts ends in September. I speak for many when I say that I will likely become more undead than human after a few days devoted to Zombie Apocalypse. Here's some actual footage of gameplay to feed your incessant appetite for information. Meet Smash T.V. zombie style. Notice the celebration at the end of completion as well. Classic.

Dead and Deader: Zombie Culture Crack

Zombie movies are like being in an abusive relationship blinded by love. The shitty aspects of their personality are overshadowed by my love for them and the glimmer of goodness I see within their worthless existence. Bad shit. These are my sentiments toward Dead and Deader. The movie didn't exactly cheat on me with my best friend while I was in the next room, more like it bought some dude a drink with my credit card.

Dead and Deader was not all bad. Yes, the plot was spotty and not very compelling, but it had its bright spots. When a military operation to recover a medical team turns into a zombie buffet, Lt. Bobby Quinn wakes up during autopsy to find himself half zombie. He finds that his fallen team has all been infected and after jacking some undead jaw is convicted of murder.

The film becomes Where's Waldo? in the sense that the brave and ridiculously bubbly survivors must track down the host zombie which happens to be Quinn's commanding officer.The movie consists of some scorpions that turned people into zombies, Dean Cain tooling around and eating raw meat, the laundry man from American History X (I think) cracking a few jokes, and some vixen making pop culture zombie references suggesting that women like that actually exist.

Dead and Deader, I Forgive You Baby

The acting is and the dialogue is bad in a way in which I've never seen. Instead of lines made from Velveeta, it's simply a bunch of cultural references targeted toward people like myself. Halo, Everquest, Sabbath, Devo, The Clash, and Romero are all mentioned for a nerd friendly experience. There's something about an attractive woman in a bra and panties making an Everquest reference in a zombie movie that give people who would rather watch bad zombie survival movies than socialize a ray of hope. Amen to them.

The zombies looked great and the gore was top notch. The death sequences toed the line between disturbing and slapstick, which I always enjoy. After awhile, the gore and blatantly obvious attempts to appeal to zombie obsessed fans make you forget that the plot sucks and the acting is like amateur night. It's possible that I'm giving this movie too much credit and it's actually a steaming pile, but come on. If there weren't people who found some good within piles of shit, we wouldn't have mushrooms.

Unless you're like me and zombie obsessed, just avoid Dead and Deader; I'm sure there are better ways to occupy your time. However, if you share my enthusiasm, definitely check this one out, it beats the fuck out of behaving like a human being. I love you too zombie movie.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Your New Favorite Zombie Game

There has never been a better time to suffer from zombie obsession. Companies have been producing zombie games like caged rabbits on Viagra. The newest zombie game simply called Zombie Apocalypse is as accurately described as the love child of Burn Zombie Burn! and Left 4 Dead.

The dual stick shooter will be as you may have previously guessed, a zombie survival situation. Three other survivors teamed up with your pretty zombie murdering ass will have to fight of a fuck ton of zombies over the course of several (I guess by several they mean 55) days. Rumors of chainsaws and a cooperative multiplayer mode have surfaced, likely making this 3D bird's-eye zombie panic, your new favorite zombie game. The parent pissing off "Postal" of earlier years, that's the closest I can equivacate the layout of Zombie Apocalypse with its perspective and blood soaked landscape.

It's going to be a long 55 day zombie ass jam, so bring a friend, plenty of aspirin, and plenty of fortitude.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Zombie Strippers: Enough Said

I recently received a bootlegged German copy of Zombie Strippers. I was pleased to discover that it was everything that I'd hoped for. Zombies, strippers, Jenna Jameson, and Robert Englund; now we're talking. From a strictly zombie movie standpoint, this is one of the greatest. Spoiler alert like mad.

In the near future, when a genetically engineered chemo-virus begins turning strippers into wildly popular zombie exhibitionists, the remaining 'living' strippers must struggle with the temptation to undergo the irreversible change. These super undead strippers obviously begin biting sleazy strip club goers which leads to a zombie outbreak.

Proprietor of the gentleman's club called The Rhino (apparently a reference to an allegorical play) Ian (Robert Englund) is faced with a painful dilemma. Zombie strippers are raking in the cash, but are turning patrons into flesh-eating zombie douche bags. Ian does what any respectable entrepreneur would do and locks the infected in a jail cell and keeps the zombified striptease going. No way this situation going straight to hell, right? I can't imagine how boring zombie movies would be if the characters had foresight.

As you've probably guessed, the zombie gentlemen escape and panic ensues. The few remaining survivors band together armed with a stockpile of guns and the show begins. humans vs. zombies, zombies vs. zombies, mankind vs. the underworld, Roe vs. Wade, it's got it all my friend. Eventually super bad ass Sargent Boobs and some other asshole come in with backup and go publisher's clearing house on the the zombies (Hiyoooh), and that's it.

As Far as Zombie Movies Go

Zombie Strippers is hardly Casablanca, but as far as recent zombie films go, it might as well be. It's got everything, tons of nudity, swarms of zombies, and a hearty amount of gore. The wonderful thing about Zombie Strippers is that these elements are usually displayed simultaneously. Yup, naked zombies tearing people's faces off.

The zombies fit the classic Romero archetype, but even more lethargic than zombies you will find in Night of the Living Dead. The visuals are amazing; the zombies look wonderfully hideous and there are some scenes which actually come close to offending me, which is hard. The movie is saturated with absolutely cheeky and awful dialogue, but it is presented in a manner that lets you know that they can't even take themselves seriously.

Zombie movies are one of the few genres of film that simply cannot be taken seriously. If you're looking for brilliant screenplay, poetic dialogue, and heartwarming character development, you're in the wrong place. If you're looking for a macabre that will likely make you go "what the fuck?" with a lot of frequency, check out Zombie Strippers. It's bad, but bad in a good way...and a bad way...but also good in a bad way. Yeah, it's that good.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Zombie Panic: A Heartwarming Retrospect

The Half Life and Half Life 2 mod Zombie Panic is the precursor to Left 4 Dead. That's right my friend, Valve has been engineering zombie games for longer than you think.

Left 4 Dead follows the same basic format found in Zombie Panic which involves players controlling zombies or survivors. Zombie intentions: suck out the brains of survivors through their eye sockets. Survivors: be dudes with huge guns, stick together, fuck up zombies. Basic stuff, except that Zombie Panic has the arousing satisfaction of turning players into zombies after feasting on their entrails. Awesome. We all know that survivors don't deserve Christian deaths anyway.

Zombie Panic is exactly what you would expect from a zombie survival cluster fuck. Bewildered survivors must pull together to achieve common goals. I've actually found that the largest challenge is finding a competent team, but I digress. Each survivor spawns with a random model of pistol containing 10 rounds (9 for zombies 1 for the face should shit get out of hand). Survivors also carry a randomly selected melee weapon, each with a different set of attributes. Humans can also pick up weapons throughout the level, but the slightly faster humans become bogged down after carrying a certain amount of weaponry. This feature makes it easy to pinpoint the teammate who is an aspiring arms dealer when you see them running like a fat kid with asthma.

Zombie advantages are what you would expect from the living dead and ex-girlfriends: persistence, zombie vision, ability to infect the living, and steadily increasing numbers. Survivors have firearms, an obvious advantage, but they have the disadvantage of requiring teamwork (eww) in order to stay alive. Many teams in Zombie Panic end up squabbling over ammo and tactics just before becoming piles of zombie food.

Just remember: in Zombie Panic you don't die, you join the ranks of vile, decaying zombie population. That's something you will have to live with should you choose to abandon the needs of your team. Your mother would be ashamed.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Left 4 Dead Pub Kid Tendencies

Left 4 Dead players are painfully familiar with the breed known as the pub (public) kid. They are the prime example of how not to behave during a zombie panic situation. Go ahead, holler at them until you're blue in the face about the dangers of solo zombie extermination, they're probably already too far away to hear you. It's not until they are lying face down in a puddle of blood and bile that they realize the error of their ways (or not) and promptly leave the game. Pub kids make decent Left 4 Dead players pray for a real zombie survival situation, because after about a week there would be no more pub kids to worry about. These are their tendencies, don't try to explain to them how foolish their actions are. Trust me, if they wanted your opinion they would have made an effort to survive long enough to hear it.

Healing Before Closing the Safe Room Door

Left 4 Dead programmers have the capacity for abstract thought which pub kids simply don't possess. If a player is lucky enough to still have a medkit upon completion of a zombie panic situation, the game will add it to the team's health bonus. Pub kids have an inactive frontal lobe which makes this impossible for them to comprehend. Watch as they attempt to heal while being pummeled by a horde of zombies. Don't bother explaining that an unused medkit is worth more points; they can't hear over the wails of the zombies thoroughly fucking them up.

Shooting the Alarm Car

Pub kids are well aware of the negative repercussions involved with putting a bullet into a Buick equipped with an alarm. Somewhere out there is a horde of hungry zombies waiting, and the pub kids know it. Count on them to sound the dinner bell anyway. Our special tonight is homemade shit sandwich made to order by the kid in the safe room. I guess it's kind of like the light socket that their parents told them not to stick a fork in, just too tempting to pass up.

Startling the Witch

Nobody knows why pub kids display such magnetism to an emaciated woman with 8 inch claws, or why they feel the need to engage in slapping matches with her. Perhaps a lack of female interaction or a deep seeded tendency to abuse women is the cause. You do have to hand it to them though, I've never seen such creative ways to get killed in my life.

Attempting to End the Zombie Panic Solo

Just watch them to get their brass balls removed and fed to them. Pub kids have so much faith in their zombie survival skills that they will tell the rest of their team exactly where to stick it and fly solo. Just make sure to rush to their aid when they are being disemboweled in a different area code. Johnny Rambo would be impressed.

Leaving After Losing a Round

Left 4 Dead is not an easy zombie game. It requires teamwork and an I.Q. greater than 54 which often proves to be too much for pub kids. Jesus help you if you lose a round, ESPECIALLY the first round. Pub kids have better things to do than fuck around on a team that is less than infallible. Every minute they spent on your less than perfect team is a minute of gay bashing lost, you selfish bastard. If you want to keep the pub kids around you'd better step up your game.

I know by now you feel like punching a toddler. You're also wondering exactly how closely related these kids' parents were. Relax, you share the grief of decent Left 4 Dead players around the world. You've tried using logic on them, reverse psychology, and outright hostility; all have failed. What now? I suggest a smoking habit, if that doesn't work, lead aspirin is a great alternative.

Left 4 Dead Becomes Left 5 Dead

I recently stumbled upon promotional pictures developed by photographic novel stuido Night Zero depicting their own Left 4 Dead photo shoot.

The characters in Left 4 Dead have become icons in the gaming world, specifically in the vein of zombie survival. Players of Left 4 Dead can recognize the idiosyncrasies that each survivor of the zombie game possesses. These unique traits have been widely popularized by the gaming community and made the characters of Left 4 Dead zombie survival icons.

The photo shoot depicts the survivors accurately down to every detail in hilarious fashion. Bill, Francis, Louis, and Zoey are perfect human incarnations of the Left 4 Dead characters. The resemblance is so striking that it's almost baffling. The shoot has an added 5th survivor which I believe is Cliff, the plucky crane operator with a heart of gold.

I found the 'startling the witch' photo the most brilliantly shot photo of the entire bunch. It sheds some light on what the witch looked like before being zombified, which is apparently smoking fuckin hot. The entire cast of zombie survivors were accurately depicted, and I found Bill the best replication of the Left 4 Dead zombie game character model.

A few of the blogs that I stumbled across made mention of a motion picture based on the game, alas from what I gathered from the Night Zero site, the function was merely homage to the zombie survival horror of Left 4 Dead.

It's a wonderful feeling to know that zombie obsession is leaking into every aspect of media. Perhaps with enough demand, Night Zero will extrapolate upon their photo shoot and film some sort of Left 4 Dead movie. Fans of Left 4 Dead will take some acclimation time to accept Cliff's "Deliverance", feel, but I imagine the zombie movie would be met with success.

Night Zero: Illustrated Zombie Panic

Night Zero is a photo comic book that is produced in Seattle, WA and incorporates elements of writing, acting, photography, digital art, and film. The novel is set to a background of zombie panic and follows the lives of survivors within Seattle. The setting is somewhat similar to the gated community featured at the end of I Am Legend coupled with the widespread zombie infection of Left 4 Dead.

Night Zero is available on their website as a web comic and is updated every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. There is also supplemental reading including a blog. The unique styling of Night Zero is a great addition to the library of any zombie fanatic and is a perfect zombie survival companion for fans of Left 4 Dead.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Zombie Movies You Should Watch

More supplemental reading for those interested in the gritty formation of zombie obsession. Through long periods of overexposure to the living dead by ways of the Zombie Survival Guide, zombie games, and the movies listed below, one can get a better idea of what it takes to be a hermit with a zombie obsession.

Night of the Living Dead

The obvious choice for favorite zombie movie. The Romero classic defined the American zombie and became the template for zombie movies to follow. The black and white film stock along with the slow and lumbering monstrosities create an ominous and uneasy feel to the zombie movie. This popularized the terror of a zombie panic situation and shook me in ways that few films have.

Dawn of the Dead

Another zombie movie on all enthusiast's top lists. The mall setting is a classic terrain for a zombie infestation. Being part of the original Romero zombie trilogy, it features the same staggering zombies that became a staple in the zombie community. The 2004 remake of this zombie movie is wonderful as well.

28 Days Later

One of the first zombie movies offering an alternative depiction of the creature. In 28 Days Later, zombies are displayed as infected beings instead of rotting re-animated corpses.Artsy in addition to being filled with gore, 28 Days Later is not the crude slaughter fest that most zombie movies are. It helped to redefine what is considered terrifying traits of zombie behavior and blurred the line as to what we consider a zombie. The sequel wasn't too bad either and featured some of the best cinematic shots ever witnessed in zombie film.

Dellamorte Dellamore (Cemetery Man)

An awesome zombie movie with plenty of disturbing images and a large body count. The movie is set apart by the fact that the zombie population is confined to a graveyard. The imminent harm in which the characters wander into give this zombie movie a unique "what the fuck are these people thinking?" charm. The elements of gore and emotionally unsettling images will shake even the most avid zombie fan boy. Dellamorte Dellamore also has some sort of philosophical quandary that gives this zombie movie a deeper meaning that simple tits and guts. However, I have yet to decipher it, the tits and guts were enough for me.


If you haven't seen Re-Animator immediately check it out. H.P. Lovecraft's book Herbert West: Re-Animator along with the rest of his works. Once you've learned of his bad-assery, check out Re-Animator. This is another one of those zombie movies that entices you to think while offering plenty of boobs and brains to entertain you in the meantime. This zombie movie may completely redefine your stance on zombie ethics. The sequel titled Beyond Re-Animator is worth watching as well.

Shaun of the Dead

Sometimes we need to laugh away the horror that a night filled with flesh eating zombies can bring. Leaning heavily toward the humorous side of the zombie film, Shaun of the Dead is one of the better zombie movies-period. Shaun of the Dead has great blend of slapstick and dry zombie humor with plenty of gore to back it up. I don't know how it happened, but the U.K. makes one hell of a zombie movie.

Zombie Games You Should Play

It had recently dawned upon me that in order for any of my readers to relate to me they should know how I formed my zombie obsession. Here are some zombie games that you should play or at least know a little bit about in order to get an idea of where I'm coming from. Below is a list of the games that have fueled my zombie obsession. I haven't had a zombie free dream since before Left 4 Dead was released in November 2008, by the way.

Resident Evil

I was about 15 when I first played this game. I was absolutely petrified of zombies at the time; this game made me unable to sleep for days after first glimpse. It was Resident Evil that incited my hunger for zombie games and fueled my obsession to defeat the living dead.

Resident Evil 2

The sequel to the game that started my zombie obsession. Resident Evil 2 offered Better gameplay and an even more horrifying environment. Although not as emotionally impacting as the original, it was still a wonderful addition to my growing collection of zombie media. I have yet to complete the game and it tears at my very being.

Dead Rising

Dead Rising was the first game I purchased for XBox 360 after a long hiatus from zombie games and culture. It rekindled my love for the genre and molded me into the zombie fanatic I am today. Many a long hour was spent mercilessly slaying zombies in blissful blood lust.

Left 4 Dead

The long anticipated multiplayer zombie killing experience. Unsure of the actual release date, long nights driving to every Seven Eleven in the Detroit Metro area left me unsatisfied until its appearance at Best Buy. Valve's brilliant attempt at zombie survival. Left 4 Dead ensured that my love for zombies is eternal.

Resident Evil 5

After a long break from the Resident Evil bloodline, the most recent installment of the zombie panic series again caught my attention. The seamless transition from zombie survival to zombie action along with the co-op function makes Resident Evil 5 a breakthrough in the series. It will leave many zombie enthusiasts disappointed, but not this one.

Dead Rising 2: More Zombies for Your Buck

The latest in zombie game news is the ridiculous capacity for on screen zombies that Dead Rising 2 has to offer. Capcom's Dead Rising does not live up to the zombie game glory that is the Resident Evil series, but was nonetheless a humorous and oftentimes horrifying zombie panic.

Dead Rising 2 is said to have the capacity to render 6000 on screen characters at a time, which would basically shatter the record. 6k zombies are enough to horrify any player as well as any graphic designer. The game also offers over 800 costume designs for the zombies including showgirls and zombified high rollers.

According to the original article Blue Castle games is making this their primary action.

Zombie Flashback

The original Dead Rising was one of the more creative zombie games for its time in the sense that virtually anything and everything could be used as a weapon. While it was truly a spectacle to see juiced out photojournalist Frank West swing a gumball machine like a wiffle ball bat, the game itself was renowned for the number of characters it could render without slowing down.

Dead Rising was great for mindless zombie extermination with a plethora of different weapons. It took awhile, but the novelty did wear off and players would be forced to resort to unlocking achievements which were impossible. Yes I said impossible, if you've gotten a shot of the PP sticker in the back of Chris' Fine Foods I demand to know how. Despite the meticulously difficult achievements, Dead Rising was without a doubt a great zombie game.

If Dead Rising 2 hits the goal of 6,000 characters, it will be a true feat in the zombie gaming world. Most people probably don't even want to know what that many zombies looks like, but here's a taste.

I told you I'm out of singles lady!

Left 4 Dead Tops 2.5 Million Copies Sold

Valve's Left 4 Dead has topped 2.5 million sales worldwide since its November 2008 release. It's no surprise that Left 4 Dead is a huge hit in the gaming world. The Source engine implemented by Valve in such game as Half Life and Counterstrike has always been at the forefront of dynamic FPS physics.

As far as zombie survival games go, Left 4 Dead has everything that gamers are looking for. The online capabilities and capacity to play as survivors as well as zombies give the game a new way of obliterating opponents. The differing styles of play from human to zombie require more thought than the pray and spray shoot em up tactics necessary in other FPS games.

The multiplayer game of the year's success is no surprise given Valve's previous track record in producing award winning games. This particular zombie panic masterpiece requires limited skill to learn but ridiculous amounts of precision and planning in order to master. The comprehensive teamwork angle required in Left 4 Dead give the title deeper mechanics than a lot of zombie games and create a more realistic scenario for zombie survival. One could almost say that is an accurate depiction of zombie panic and a good indicator of how successful many players would be at circumventing such a scenario.

Left 4 Dead Applications

The phenomenon and causal increase of popularity in the vein of zombie survival and zombie games may be a contributing factor to the success of Left 4 Dead. Zombie memorabilia such as the Zombie Survival Guide have made the cult zombie following more mainstream (about 1 in 3 people I associate with own the Zombie Survival Guide,(zombie obsessed or not).

Who will you associate with in the event of zombie panic? Left 4 Dead competitive ladder teams sponsored by Major League Gaming have become one of the more popular events in the gaming world. I know that in the event of zombie apocalypse, I will be gathering my Left 4 Dead ladder team immediately along with friends who have investigated the field of zombie survival. The likelihood of zombie infestation is undoubtedly part of the appeal and massive cult following of the zombie culture. Zombie games such as Left 4 Dead may be seen by some as an obtuse exaggeration of a baffling cult following, while to others it is a depiction of the horror which could someday befall mankind. Regardless of how real one views the scenario to be, Left 4 Dead is at very least a wildly entertaining journey through a sea of vicious zombie foes.

With downloadable content on every platform set to be released in April, now is the perfect time to become a part of the Left 4 Dead infection and become involved in one of the biggest gaming phenomenons in recent history. If you already happen to be part of the Left 4 Dead community and are looking for a more in depth zombie slaughtering experience, hit me up on my Left 4 Dead team profile. Also looking for tips on optimized zombie survival as well as what type of zombie news interests you. Join us, don't be afraid.

Zombie Survival

The Zombie Survival Guide may be the most important piece of literature you will ever read. Max Brooks, son of Mel Brooks and author of supplemental zombie horror read World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War offers a brilliant tongue-in-cheek take on zombie panic and preparation for it.

The book covers every type of weapon/armor you could possibly think of including obtuse forms of zombie disposal such as flamethrowers or chainsaws. Differing opinions are sure to arise between groups of friends who may one day be a group of survivors when discussing zombie Armageddon. The Zombie Survival Guide is a wonderful point of reference on what to do in the event of a zombie panic from an author who has researched the topic extensively (or at least writes as though he has).

When it's crunch time and zombie panic is directly upon your nuts, it is recommended that every individual in your group has read the Zombie Survival Guide and is prepared for the situation. Careful planning along with well-aimed head shots is the only way to ensure your and your group's survival in a zombie panic. It's never too early to formulate a survival plan should the unspeakable occur. Preliminary escape routes should already have been discussed as well as a unified location to hole up and face the zombie onslaught. For those in the Waterford/Clarkston area that are interested in the Waterford Courts stronghold contact myself, while those privy to the Isle Royal option contact Mr. Crumm.

Reviews of the Zombie Survival Guide have suggested that the book is so meticulous that it crosses the line between humor and horror. Be prepared for any type of zombie-human encounter and ensure that your brains are still intact afterward. Get to know your body and mind and continuously train them. Learn zombie weak points and the best weapons to hit 'em where it hurts.

It is my hope that I retain the information I absorbed before my copy of the life saving manual was discarded by sources unknown. It is my hopes that the culprit of Zombie Survival Guide destruction wasn't in league with the zombie subculture. My laziness and lack of purchasing another copy may be the end of this blogger's zombie survival in the event of zombie panic.

Follow not my path of laziness; at very least make it a point to borrow the Zombie Survival Guide or skim it while in-store to pick up a few survival tips that could save yourself and countless people around you.

This is a more accurate depiction of an infestation than such zombie games as Left 4 Dead, do not be mistaken. Zombies don't fuck around, and neither should you.

1. Organize before they rise! 2. They feel no fear, why should you? 3. Use your head: cut off theirs. 4. Blades don't need reloading. 5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair. 6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it. 7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike. 8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert! 9. No place is safe, only safer. 10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks

Spring 2009 will come complete with a new Zombie Survival Guide supplemental read called The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks. Max Brooks will again cause readers to question the reality of zombie existence and offer what could possibly be relevant insight into the subject.

The book will include illustrated accounts of previous zombie panic situations and further outline the struggle between man and zombie which has been raging for centuries. Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks will let readers use the knowledge gained from the Zombie Survival Guide and see the applications to real life events and zombie panic.

The illustrated novel will include an accumulation of zombie survival knowledge gained over the years of zombie panic. It will expand upon the last few page of the Zombie Survival Guide which archives reported zombie encounters. The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks comes complete with sketches of the events depicting exactly how they occurred and are likely to re-occur.

For the sake of your own life and the lives of those around you, don't be the overzealous survivor wielding a flamethrower because you saw somebody in Resident Evil 5 do it. Use your most powerful weapon to gain an advantage on a being with far superior stamina and pain threshold. There may come a time when the knowledge and preparation gained by reading the Zombie Survival Guide may be your greatest weapon of all. Followed immediately by a machete.

Check out The Zombie Survival Guide as well as Recorded Attacks and be ready for the worst. Don't fall victim like so many will to being part of the mindless bloodthirsty horde of zombies. They're coming, I'm not sure when, but zombie panic will one day be upon us. Protect your brains.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Zombie Movie Marathon Part 2

Alright, we're looking good, we just saw dozens of people get torn limb from limb by ravenous zombies. Let's keep the zombie movie marathon rolling.

There are only so many zombie movies to stream from Netflix which are mainstream, some of which look absolutely wretched. You can probably bet that I will end up watching them all, but for the sake of not burning out too quickly, I tried to pick zombie movies that got above a 1 star rating on Netflix.

Forward down the zombie movie road. We're not at the bottom of the barrel yet; the zombie movie titled Severed received an average rating of 3.5 stars, an above average rating for zombie movies.

Severed, I've Definitely Seen Worse Zombie Movies

The zombie panic "Severed" takes place in some isolated forest in the middle of nowhere. I assume the location is in Canada. I have no proof of this and could probably give an accurate location if I read the synopsis, but I'm really not in the mood. I'm basing my assessment solely on the fact that I saw somebody drinking a Molson.

By injecting a growth enhancing substance into the fungi at the base of trees within the forest, a logging company causes a panic that consumes lumberjacks as well as a group of environmentalists protesting deforestation. Alright, pretty hokey, but I've definitely heard worse, we're off to a good start.

Tree huggers and loggers alike contribute to the zombie melee and the few survivors (mainly the woodsmen, I guess they're more rough and tumble?) must make it out of the forsaken forest alive. As present in the "Day of the Dead"remake, the zombies are gruesome and definitely not the worst group of undead that I've seen. Their classic Romero stagger and low velocity make them less terrifying than the zombies of the previous zombie panic. The acting is sub par as you may imagine, but the plot has some cohesion which gives the zombie movie a charming appeal.

The small group of initial surivors that "Severed" follows are abducted by a second group of larger and more barbaric lumberjacks who haven't been infected. The aggressive and reckless behavior of the larger group of woodsmen presents the situation of who is the bigger threat-the zombies or humans. This part of the zombie movie also allows for a larger body count. If there's one thing I've learned about zombie movies, it's that more foolish people=more zombie food.

Viewers later find out the chainsaw recoil which caused the initial panic was the result of Rita, the head of the environmentalists spiking one of the infected trees. A weak plot twist in any respectable film, but not too bad for a B zombie movie. The contribution of the logging company creating the infectious agent coupled with the environmentalists being responsible for the zombie panic, creates a plot that is slightly less shallow than most zombie movies.

The weak ending involved Rita making it out of the zombie infested compound, traversing an open road in the pouring rain, and a somber shot of the head of the logging company contemplating the loss of his son in the incident. The result is a feeble attempt at provoking thought and speculation of the fate of Rita.

Regardless, Severed is a decent zombie movie and a great conclusion to the first installment of the first night of zombie movie mania. Simply the beginning of my attempt to witnessing the most disturbing images possible just before drifting off to sleep.

Zombie Movie Marathon Part 1

I've made it a morbidly unhealthy point to watch as many zombie movies as possible before going to sleep. This unhealthy practice will ensure that my dreams involve blood soaked zombie panic, guaranteeing that I will consistently wake up in a cold sweat.

Netflix makes this seemingly difficult task a breeze and allows me to subject unsuspecting (yet sometimes excited) roommates to the routine as well. There's nothing like a good (bad) zombie movie to remind people that I am simply not wired right. Laughing hysterically while fellow viewers hide their heads in disgust make me wonder how I became so deranged.

The first choice of zombie movies for this night was the remake of "Day of the Dead".

Day of the Dead(2008) Classic Zombie Panic

"Day of the Dead" was first on the chopping block. Only after having started the movie did I notice that Nick Cannon was in the cast. My finger remained poised on the stop button, yet I let the zombie movie play when I saw Ving Rhames in the credits.

The movie proved to rank among one of the better classic Romero zombie movie remakes. As is consistent with the remake of "Dawn of the Dead", the updated and more visually appealing zombie panic was far from a butchery of the original film. The zombies were gruesomely convincing and weren't the least bit cheese, while the death sequences were graphic and much to my satisfaction.

This particular zombie panic was a simple contraction of a mutated biological virus which had gone awry. The premise was not very original, but then again, how many different ways do zombies arise, and who really cares? Again, as is the case in the Dawn of the Dead remake, the zombies of "Day of the Dead" have received a speed boost which add to the horror. The zombie movie adopted the aspect of such movies as Fido in which each zombie retains a fraction of its human tendencies. The vegetarian zombie was a nice touch.

Obviously Ving Rhames was as hard ass as ever, while Nick Cannon filled his role nicely as a complete ass hat of an army soldier. To my surprise I didn't mind him playing one of the main roles despite his obnoxious dialogue and was the slightest bit sad after seeing him mauled by a swarm of zombies.

The ending was pretty atypical in a few people escape and a lone zombie attacks the camera man, nothing special. However, as far as zombie movies go, "Day of the Dead" has it all: a large body count of humans being disemboweled by zombies, plenty of zombie heads being blown off, horrible dialogue, and supplemental plot.

Day of the Dead receives a crisp endorsement from myself and is a zombie movie that even individuals with good taste in movies will be able to watch without complaining (too much).

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Resident Evil 5: Racist?

The recent buzz around Resident Evil 5 is that it is a racist hate machine portraying the slaughter of African natives by a white authority figure. The original article from Black Looks states:

"The new Resident Evil video game depicts a white man in what appears to be Africa killing Black people. The Black people are supposed to be zombies and the white man’s job is to destroy them and save humanity...

This is problematic on so many levels, including the depiction of Black people as inhuman savages, the killing of Black people by a white man in military clothing, and the fact that this video game is marketed to children and young adults. Start them young… fearing, hating, and destroying Black people."

I'm not a doctor, but based on this blurb I'm willing to bet that the nice young woman has never played the zombie game. There are many things wrong with this assertion of my beloved Resident Evil 5.

First off let me begin by saying that the zombies of Resident Evil 5 are of a mixed ethnicity. Resident Evil 5 enemies are a melting pot of White, Hispanic, and yes, Black ethnicity. Furthermore, previous installments of the zombie survival horror depict the slaughter of exclusively white zombies. The ethnicity of the zombie population is based on the location of the zombie panic. Resident Evil 5 outbreak happens to occur in Africa.

Secondly, the demographic in which the game targets is absolutely NOT children and young adults as article states. The ESRB rating of Resident Evil 5 is MA, which to people who do not purchase games means 17+. Resident Evil 5 is intended for mature adults who grasp the concept of separation between a game and reality; or at very least zombie and human.

The People vs. Resident Evil 5

This court rules in favor of Resident Evil 5. In the event of zombie panic that all zombies must be destroyed regardless of race, creed, or ethnicity. The evidence supports that a black zombie can inflict the same amount of pain and infection as a white zombie and that they should be dispatched in identical manners. Zombie survival 101.

Seriously, it is this type of ignorant display that keeps the racist hate machine fueled. Is this assessment a game that the author probably has not researched nor will ever play an attempt at gaining notoriety as an advocate of anti-racism? Because it seems to me that most Resident Evil 5 players would not have formulated a race association during gameplay in the midst of dodging a slew of zombies.

It should be common knowledge by now that zombie games do not create violent individuals, but rather the neglect of guardians to oversee what their children engage in. How about you at least research the game in greater depth than a single game trailer before making bold assessments of Resident Evil 5 perpetuating hate? Better yet, if you feel that a game conveys a message of hate and brutality, keep it away from your children. I am far from the first person to suggest this to parents, but the continuous heat that violent games receive lead me to believe that it needs reiterated.

For the record, if you become a zombie in my presence, I will unmercifully decapitate you regardless of ethic background and enjoy it.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Resident Evil 5 Mercenaries Mode

The Resident Evil 5 mercenaries mode is a truly wonderful waste of real life experience in the midst of zombie panic. Slaying relentless waves of zombies ensures a blood soaked, zombie survival experience.

This is the Resident Evil 5 mode that allows true zombie game customization (sort of). All of the players that you wish to annihilate zombies with in story mode can be unlocked in mercenaries mode.

The first two playable characters are Chris Redfield and Sheva Alomar, but such lovable faces as Jill Valentine and Albert Wesker also make an appearance to the zombie panic masquerade.

As previously described, Resident Evil 5's mercenary mode involves being dropped into a nerve shattering zombie panic with a seemingly endless zombie population which the player is expected to dispatch. The timed zombie panic cluster fuck can be extended with pick ups found throughout the level.

A rank is designated based on performance at the end of the level provided that your insides are still intact by the timer's expiration based on how well you executed zombie survival. A certain rank is required (40,000 points for single player, 80,000 points for co-op) in order to unlock supplemental characters.

Each character in the Resident Evil 5 mercenaries mode begins the game with set items in fixed quantities as well as unique melee attacks. Some characters even have the foresight to bring healing supplies while others have more gung-ho ass in the breeze attitude to facing the zombie panic.

Unlockable characters include Jill Valentine (BSAA outfit, battle suit outfit), Albert Wester (midnight outfit, S.T.A.R.S. outfit), Chris Redfield (fruity ass safari outfit, S.T.A.R.S. outfit), and Sheva Alomar (buy her a drink and punch her in the face clubbin' outfit, tribal outfit).

Having the pesky commitment of employment, I have only unlocked a handful of characters and have only religiously used Mr. Albert Wesker. His magnum, ridiculous sunglasses and Jackie Chan zombie kung-fu bullshit are all effective tools in the event of zombie panic.

Resident Evil 5 Mercenaries Mode: A Zombie Macabre

The game play of the Resident Evil 5 mercenaries mode is equivalent to a zombie game that makes you feel like a true warrior when your stress level isn't so high that you're chain smoking and hollering at fictional characters directly in front of your roommates. The congestion of the zombie panic can get quite frustrating at times and so does the zombies ability to pivot like Charles Barkley on a 360 degree axis while swinging a shovel.

I have also found the solo mode to be much easier as it only leaves one person the opportunity to be impaled by a giant cockroach or shoot an oil drum while standing too close. The co-op mode is loads of fun, but not very conducive to unlocking characters. The need to migrate across the level in order to find victims and pickups result in a cooperative zombie disaster where it is near impossible to keep track of your partner; the self resuscitation capability in single player makes the zombie survival much easier.

Even if you're not a masochistic zombie game player such as myself, the challenge of slaying a ton of zombies within a certain amount of time is quite entertaining. Resident Evil 5 mercenaries mode basically skips the foreplay of a story and cuts straight to the murderous zombie panic situation in a manner similar to Left 4 Dead.

Left 4 Dead: Supreme Zombie Panic

Valve finally expanded upon the Source engine used in Counterstrike and created the fast paced, run and gun, glitch riddled zombie panic that is Left 4 Dead.

Left 4 Dead has zero storyline, just a simple test of zombie survival. Left 4 Dead tosses a combination of four players and bots into a zombie infested landscape, gives them weapons, pats them on the head, and says "good luck son". It is the perfect zombie game for those uninterested in storyline and slow pace.

This is what zombie survival enthusiasts have been waiting for; a zombie game in which the main objective is simply to endure the zombie onslaught while capping as many ravenous ghouls as necessary. Each level is fitted with a safe room at the end of an ocean of violent regular zombies as well as a few upgraded zombies known as special infected.

The list of zombie panic survivors are Francis, the too tough to be heterosexual biker, Bill, the hardened Vietnam vet whose cigarette never goes out, Louis, the former systems analyst and token black man, and Zoey, the horror film obsessed college student who looks like Claire Redfield from Resident Evil 2.

Each individual map in Left 4 Dead is a mimicry of a cheese ball zombie movie, complete with the players being listed as the cast and an awful tag line, i.e. "Curing the infection, one bullet at a time". The element of blending zombie movies with zombie games, was a stroke of pure genius on Valve's part.

The mechanics are great aside from inconveniences such as occasionally getting caught in windows and ladder climbing proving to be the most challenging element of Left 4 Dead. Survivors and zombies alike have quick free range movement with only a few "what the hell" moments in the game's physics which sometimes surface. The quick turn around feature offers a great mechanism for watching your back during a full fledged zombie panic.

The graphics are amazing and the necessity for teamwork I would assume helped Left 4 Dead receive multiplayer game of the year.

Left 4 Dead: An Accurate Depiction of Zombie Panic

Left 4 Dead is a great indicator of who you will want on your side in the event of a real zombie panic. After a few times through, you will soon discover that natural selection will weed out a great number of people should a real zombie invasion occur.

Such items as cars equipped with alarms will send a tsunami of zombies directly to your location if shot, and certain infected known as witches will only attack if their personal space is invaded.

It is mind bogglingly common that your fellow survivors will alert the horde by giving the alarm car the butt end of a rifle while slapping the witch around and spitting in her hair. Heed my words, these are the people to disassociate with in the event of zombie apocalypse.

Inversely, Major League Gaming offers a competitive competitive Left 4 Dead team ladder which can help you find people who you wouldn't mind entrusting your life to during a real zombie survival situation. There are also forums in which yourself and other Left 4 Dead enthusiasts can compare Internet penis sizes and participate in deep engagements about who is superior at killing zombies.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Resident Evil 5

The original zombie panic inducing zombie survival romp that is Resident Evil and it's wonderfully horrifying sequel are far buried in the days of PlayStation. These glorious zombie games are now unfortunately drink coasters at best.

Luckily, Resident Evil 5 is a worth installment in the zombie panic bloodline. Although the novelty as well as the suspense does not match that of its predecessors, Resident Evil 5 is an acceptable cure for people like myself who constantly crave new and unique zombie slaying experiences.

Unlike the previous games of the series, Resident Evil 5 is multi player. The co-op feature allows you and your closest fellow zombie survival nut to team up and face the frustration together. The two playable characters in story mode are Chris Redfield and his sidekick Sheva Alomar; member of the B.S.A.A. and Rhianna look-alike.

In Resident Evil 5, villain Albert Wesker of the original zombie game has returned with a diabolic scheme to accelerate natural selection by spreading the Uroboros virus globally. As a result of watching The Matrix one too many times, the new and improved Wesker has developed a sinister plan of global terror and zombie panic, learned kung-fu and purchased a trench coat. The nostalgic villain is a great antagonist for Resident Evil 5 and proves to be a challenging foe.

The original T-Virus which caused the zombie panic the Arclay Mountains of Resident Evil has undergone plenty of mutations since becoming the Uroboros Virus that appears in Resident Evil 5. The zombies display many of the characteristics of the zombies from the first installment of the series, but are able to communicate, wield weapons, and apparently drive armored cars.

The enhanced zombie A.I. makes the enemies slightly more difficult than previous Resident Evil zombies, but the transition from zombie survival to zombie action that the series has undergone diminishes most of the real challenge. Ammunition is more plentiful in Resident Evil 5. Everyone who has played zombie games knows that lack of ammunition is certain death and proves to be the most challenging aspect of zombie survival.

Resident Evil 5: True Zombie Survival Joy

Resident Evil 5 has kept most of the basic mechanics that made us love as well as loathe the series. After 10+ years our heroes still have not learned how to run and shoot or move as though they are human beings. You would think after all of living in perpetual zombie panic, that Chris Redfield would have learned fluid motion and moving as though he weren't on wheels.

Resident Evil 5 programmers insist that the mechanics of the game add to the difficulty factor, but they simply piss players off after awhile. It's maddening that despite their decrepit state, the zombies display movement far superior than that of our heroes.

Regardless, Resident Evil 5 is still a horrific zombie survival romp through an infected African environment complete with gruesome deaths and tons of replay value. As you may expect, in order to unlock all of the achievements as well as the bonus features, the game must be played through a jillion times.

The game also features the mercenaries mode which began in Resident Evil: Nemesis. Mercenaries mode is a nerve racking mosh pit of zombies with a time constraint. Various time and score extensions can be found through items within each level. One could easily piss away 80 hours turning zombie heads into canoes in a hysterical zombie panic in order to unlock the slew of supplemental characters.

Although Resident Evil 5 is not a horribly difficult game, the achievements on XBox 360 can easily rob you of an entire week of human interaction, while the mercenaries mode will keep you isolated for another week or two. Just remember to eat and drink plenty of water; don't endure the addictive zombie survival of Resident Evil 5 only to succumb to a death from dehydration.

Zombie Games + Zombie Movies + Zombie Survival = Zombie Obsession

I have a zombie obsession. From zombie movies to zombie games, right down to zombie survival plans in the event of apocalypse, it has an involvement in nearly all of my recreational activities.

The first mention of zombies is believed to be in the Epic of Gilgamesh which is part of Sumerian legend.

I will knock down the Gates of the Netherworld, I will smash the door posts, and leave the doors flat down, and will let the dead go up to eat the living! And the dead will outnumber the living!

The term "zombie" has become sort of a convoluted term. The myriad of different depictions has made it very difficult to pin down exactly what is considered a zombie. In current times, zombies have been depicted as mindless masses as well as ravenous and intelligent entities. Their speed varies from a skulking lumber to completing 100 meter dashes at speeds. The level of induced zombie panic really varies depending on the zombie movie or game as well as the timeframe. Some characteristics, however remain relatively constant.

The basic definition of a zombie goes something like this: "A person who behaves like human automaton (usually after being resurrected and stripped of their soul)"

Originating in Haitian folklore, this definition was used to describe people who had been exposed to certain toxins which would slow respiratory functions, heart functions, and brain activity to deathlike levels. The individual would then be presumed dead, buried, and awake some time later only to be classified as living dead and spreading zombie panic like butter on your morning toast.

The definition swayed and became part of the zombie movie culture with George A. Romero's "Night of the Living Dead" which depicted the zombie archetype as a lumbering, flesh-eating, re-animated corpse.

Zombie became more of a vague term when such zombie movies such as 28 days later and zombie survival games such as Left 4 Dead depicted the zombie as an agile creature infected rather than re-animated. The new school "zombie" retained none of its human characteristics, behaved as a zombie,was an effective harbinger of zombie panic, but was never technically dead. Survival horror games such as Resident Evil 5 took it a step further and gave the zombies the ability to use weapons and operate machinery.

It doesn't matter to me; any creature appearing to be devoid of higher thought processes and whose primary directive is the general distribution of zombie panic, and disembowelment of humans is a zombie; the creature that feeds my gripping obsession.