Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Left 4 Dead Pub Kid Tendencies

Left 4 Dead players are painfully familiar with the breed known as the pub (public) kid. They are the prime example of how not to behave during a zombie panic situation. Go ahead, holler at them until you're blue in the face about the dangers of solo zombie extermination, they're probably already too far away to hear you. It's not until they are lying face down in a puddle of blood and bile that they realize the error of their ways (or not) and promptly leave the game. Pub kids make decent Left 4 Dead players pray for a real zombie survival situation, because after about a week there would be no more pub kids to worry about. These are their tendencies, don't try to explain to them how foolish their actions are. Trust me, if they wanted your opinion they would have made an effort to survive long enough to hear it.

Healing Before Closing the Safe Room Door

Left 4 Dead programmers have the capacity for abstract thought which pub kids simply don't possess. If a player is lucky enough to still have a medkit upon completion of a zombie panic situation, the game will add it to the team's health bonus. Pub kids have an inactive frontal lobe which makes this impossible for them to comprehend. Watch as they attempt to heal while being pummeled by a horde of zombies. Don't bother explaining that an unused medkit is worth more points; they can't hear over the wails of the zombies thoroughly fucking them up.

Shooting the Alarm Car

Pub kids are well aware of the negative repercussions involved with putting a bullet into a Buick equipped with an alarm. Somewhere out there is a horde of hungry zombies waiting, and the pub kids know it. Count on them to sound the dinner bell anyway. Our special tonight is homemade shit sandwich made to order by the kid in the safe room. I guess it's kind of like the light socket that their parents told them not to stick a fork in, just too tempting to pass up.

Startling the Witch

Nobody knows why pub kids display such magnetism to an emaciated woman with 8 inch claws, or why they feel the need to engage in slapping matches with her. Perhaps a lack of female interaction or a deep seeded tendency to abuse women is the cause. You do have to hand it to them though, I've never seen such creative ways to get killed in my life.

Attempting to End the Zombie Panic Solo

Just watch them to get their brass balls removed and fed to them. Pub kids have so much faith in their zombie survival skills that they will tell the rest of their team exactly where to stick it and fly solo. Just make sure to rush to their aid when they are being disemboweled in a different area code. Johnny Rambo would be impressed.

Leaving After Losing a Round

Left 4 Dead is not an easy zombie game. It requires teamwork and an I.Q. greater than 54 which often proves to be too much for pub kids. Jesus help you if you lose a round, ESPECIALLY the first round. Pub kids have better things to do than fuck around on a team that is less than infallible. Every minute they spent on your less than perfect team is a minute of gay bashing lost, you selfish bastard. If you want to keep the pub kids around you'd better step up your game.

I know by now you feel like punching a toddler. You're also wondering exactly how closely related these kids' parents were. Relax, you share the grief of decent Left 4 Dead players around the world. You've tried using logic on them, reverse psychology, and outright hostility; all have failed. What now? I suggest a smoking habit, if that doesn't work, lead aspirin is a great alternative.

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