Thursday, April 23, 2009

Lost Zombies Submission

I'm sorry for being lax on my posts, it's been a rough month to say the least.

This post brings us back about two weeks in some town in Bunkville Ohio for an off the top of the head zombie photo shoot. I'd pieced together the fact that I am obsessed with zombies, I live with an art student, and one of my good friends is a professional photographer. is currently in the process of assembling a scrapbook documenting the zombies apocalypse; I can't lose!

Special thanks to Pamela White, Ryan Nichols, and James Schultz for the help by the way.

Through a series of small disagreements and hideous makeup at my expense, we concocted a blend of diced tomatoes, Karo syrup, and cherry pie filling which was amazingly gory and vile to the touch. The shoot took place in an old barn which was perfect. The previous owner had owned a roadside fruit stand with floral arrangements. Gas can, large spear like contraptions, random shit strewn about; we couldn't have planned it better.

"Alright, put this plastic bag over your head so we can throw pie filling at you"

Now that I looked like a zombie, it was time to get down and dirty. James is the resident crazy guy who I'm surprised finished the night with his pants on, so he was the obvious choice to get covered with yuck and be the helpless victim. We put a battered copy of the Zombie Survival Guide in one hand, a crowbar in the other, and went to work.

There's James

We poured the congealed shit salad that imitated guts on top of his ripped shirt and I hovered above him as though I was devouring his flesh. Aside from a LOT of outtakes where we look like homosexual undead enthusiasts, we managed to get a great shot which we used for the submission. Despite the fact that by the end I was stuck to him, and it was balls cold, an all out good night. Preparation video to come as well. Enjoy!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Jesus In Left 4 Dead

"Because he hath appointed a day, in which he will judge the world in righteousness by [that] man whom he hath ordained; [whereof] he hath given assurance unto all [men], in that he hath raised him from the dead." (Acts 17:31)

“I hate religion” - (Bikers 4:13)

It happened the day before Easter. Francis spoketh too much shiteth and I was forced to feed him a lead salad. The prophetic image you are about to see is real. Jesus and his lawyer are coming back and the apocalypse is nigh. Judge not less ye be judged and other mixed metaphors. Repent ye sinners or face the holy wrath of an automatic shotgun at the hands of the true messiah.

Our father, who art in heaven, Francis be thy name
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in Mercy Hospital
Give us this day our daily pain pills
And forgive us our friendly fire, as we forgive those who friendly fire against us
Lead us not into a horde of infected,
But deliver us from evil
For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, forever and ever

Friday, April 10, 2009

Zombie Hunters

The Zombie Hunters is one of the more compelling zombie comics available on the web. The story follows a team of zombie hunters in an old fashioned zombie outbreak situation. The comic possesses the humorous charm of Penny Arcade coupled with the tense feel of Night Zero.

The characters are dynamic and there is a lot of story behind what could just as easily be a shallow frame by frame gore fest. Zombie Hunters is a perfect slip into oblivion during a stressful daily malaise. The comic is sprinkled with what I can almost certainly decipher as zombie game humor and references. I mean come on, people inclined enough to write a zombie comic have probably shot a few zombie heads to shit in their day, right?

Having just become part of the readership, I can't actually give you the play by play, nor do I feel obligated to do so. Simply put, Zombie Hunters is a brilliantly designed web comic that zombie fans will undoubtedly get undead mahogany over. Just make sure to devote enough time to life's necessities before plunging too far into the abyss. Sleep and jobs are important, I think.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Zombie Photos

Turning yourself into a zombie is one of the better ways to spend boring days at work. All you need is Photoshop, ass loads of free time, and a split second reflex to click to an informational site when your boss walks by. This is the best site that I've found to zombify yourself thus far. I have a few that I've done aside from my avatar, but I'm currently in the process of cutting out exes and replacing them with George Romero. For those of us without the resources to participate in zombie dress up in the flesh, this is a great alternative to becoming a zombie yourself. Happy mutations.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Zombie Apocalypse Update

Your new favorite zombie game looms around the corner, waiting for that crucial release date to suck your brains out through face. As far as I have read, the social life of zombie enthusiasts ends in September. I speak for many when I say that I will likely become more undead than human after a few days devoted to Zombie Apocalypse. Here's some actual footage of gameplay to feed your incessant appetite for information. Meet Smash T.V. zombie style. Notice the celebration at the end of completion as well. Classic.

Dead and Deader: Zombie Culture Crack

Zombie movies are like being in an abusive relationship blinded by love. The shitty aspects of their personality are overshadowed by my love for them and the glimmer of goodness I see within their worthless existence. Bad shit. These are my sentiments toward Dead and Deader. The movie didn't exactly cheat on me with my best friend while I was in the next room, more like it bought some dude a drink with my credit card.

Dead and Deader was not all bad. Yes, the plot was spotty and not very compelling, but it had its bright spots. When a military operation to recover a medical team turns into a zombie buffet, Lt. Bobby Quinn wakes up during autopsy to find himself half zombie. He finds that his fallen team has all been infected and after jacking some undead jaw is convicted of murder.

The film becomes Where's Waldo? in the sense that the brave and ridiculously bubbly survivors must track down the host zombie which happens to be Quinn's commanding officer.The movie consists of some scorpions that turned people into zombies, Dean Cain tooling around and eating raw meat, the laundry man from American History X (I think) cracking a few jokes, and some vixen making pop culture zombie references suggesting that women like that actually exist.

Dead and Deader, I Forgive You Baby

The acting is and the dialogue is bad in a way in which I've never seen. Instead of lines made from Velveeta, it's simply a bunch of cultural references targeted toward people like myself. Halo, Everquest, Sabbath, Devo, The Clash, and Romero are all mentioned for a nerd friendly experience. There's something about an attractive woman in a bra and panties making an Everquest reference in a zombie movie that give people who would rather watch bad zombie survival movies than socialize a ray of hope. Amen to them.

The zombies looked great and the gore was top notch. The death sequences toed the line between disturbing and slapstick, which I always enjoy. After awhile, the gore and blatantly obvious attempts to appeal to zombie obsessed fans make you forget that the plot sucks and the acting is like amateur night. It's possible that I'm giving this movie too much credit and it's actually a steaming pile, but come on. If there weren't people who found some good within piles of shit, we wouldn't have mushrooms.

Unless you're like me and zombie obsessed, just avoid Dead and Deader; I'm sure there are better ways to occupy your time. However, if you share my enthusiasm, definitely check this one out, it beats the fuck out of behaving like a human being. I love you too zombie movie.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Your New Favorite Zombie Game

There has never been a better time to suffer from zombie obsession. Companies have been producing zombie games like caged rabbits on Viagra. The newest zombie game simply called Zombie Apocalypse is as accurately described as the love child of Burn Zombie Burn! and Left 4 Dead.

The dual stick shooter will be as you may have previously guessed, a zombie survival situation. Three other survivors teamed up with your pretty zombie murdering ass will have to fight of a fuck ton of zombies over the course of several (I guess by several they mean 55) days. Rumors of chainsaws and a cooperative multiplayer mode have surfaced, likely making this 3D bird's-eye zombie panic, your new favorite zombie game. The parent pissing off "Postal" of earlier years, that's the closest I can equivacate the layout of Zombie Apocalypse with its perspective and blood soaked landscape.

It's going to be a long 55 day zombie ass jam, so bring a friend, plenty of aspirin, and plenty of fortitude.