Zombie Strippers: Enough Said

I recently received a bootlegged German copy of Zombie Strippers. I was pleased to discover that it was everything that I'd hoped for. Zombies, strippers, Jenna Jameson, and Robert Englund; now we're talking. From a strictly zombie movie standpoint, this is one of the greatest. Spoiler alert like mad.

In the near future, when a genetically engineered chemo-virus begins turning strippers into wildly popular zombie exhibitionists, the remaining 'living' strippers must struggle with the temptation to undergo the irreversible change. These super undead strippers obviously begin biting sleazy strip club goers which leads to a zombie outbreak.

Proprietor of the gentleman's club called The Rhino (apparently a reference to an allegorical play) Ian (Robert Englund) is faced with a painful dilemma. Zombie strippers are raking in the cash, but are turning patrons into flesh-eating zombie douche bags. Ian does what any respectable entrepreneur would do and locks the infected in a jail cell and keeps the zombified striptease going. No way this situation going straight to hell, right? I can't imagine how boring zombie movies would be if the characters had foresight.

As you've probably guessed, the zombie gentlemen escape and panic ensues. The few remaining survivors band together armed with a stockpile of guns and the show begins. humans vs. zombies, zombies vs. zombies, mankind vs. the underworld, Roe vs. Wade, it's got it all my friend. Eventually super bad ass Sargent Boobs and some other asshole come in with backup and go publisher's clearing house on the the zombies (Hiyoooh), and that's it.

As Far as Zombie Movies Go

Zombie Strippers is hardly Casablanca, but as far as recent zombie films go, it might as well be. It's got everything, tons of nudity, swarms of zombies, and a hearty amount of gore. The wonderful thing about Zombie Strippers is that these elements are usually displayed simultaneously. Yup, naked zombies tearing people's faces off.

The zombies fit the classic Romero archetype, but even more lethargic than zombies you will find in Night of the Living Dead. The visuals are amazing; the zombies look wonderfully hideous and there are some scenes which actually come close to offending me, which is hard. The movie is saturated with absolutely cheeky and awful dialogue, but it is presented in a manner that lets you know that they can't even take themselves seriously.

Zombie movies are one of the few genres of film that simply cannot be taken seriously. If you're looking for brilliant screenplay, poetic dialogue, and heartwarming character development, you're in the wrong place. If you're looking for a macabre that will likely make you go "what the fuck?" with a lot of frequency, check out Zombie Strippers. It's bad, but bad in a good way...and a bad way...but also good in a bad way. Yeah, it's that good.

Zombie Panic: A Heartwarming Retrospect

The Half Life and Half Life 2 mod Zombie Panic is the precursor to Left 4 Dead. That's right my friend, Valve has been engineering zombie games for longer than you think.

Left 4 Dead follows the same basic format found in Zombie Panic which involves players controlling zombies or survivors. Zombie intentions: suck out the brains of survivors through their eye sockets. Survivors: be dudes with huge guns, stick together, fuck up zombies. Basic stuff, except that Zombie Panic has the arousing satisfaction of turning players into zombies after feasting on their entrails. Awesome. We all know that survivors don't deserve Christian deaths anyway.

Zombie Panic is exactly what you would expect from a zombie survival cluster fuck. Bewildered survivors must pull together to achieve common goals. I've actually found that the largest challenge is finding a competent team, but I digress. Each survivor spawns with a random model of pistol containing 10 rounds (9 for zombies 1 for the face should shit get out of hand). Survivors also carry a randomly selected melee weapon, each with a different set of attributes. Humans can also pick up weapons throughout the level, but the slightly faster humans become bogged down after carrying a certain amount of weaponry. This feature makes it easy to pinpoint the teammate who is an aspiring arms dealer when you see them running like a fat kid with asthma.

Zombie advantages are what you would expect from the living dead and ex-girlfriends: persistence, zombie vision, ability to infect the living, and steadily increasing numbers. Survivors have firearms, an obvious advantage, but they have the disadvantage of requiring teamwork (eww) in order to stay alive. Many teams in Zombie Panic end up squabbling over ammo and tactics just before becoming piles of zombie food.

Just remember: in Zombie Panic you don't die, you join the ranks of vile, decaying zombie population. That's something you will have to live with should you choose to abandon the needs of your team. Your mother would be ashamed.

Left 4 Dead Pub Kid Tendencies

Left 4 Dead players are painfully familiar with the breed known as the pub (public) kid. They are the prime example of how not to behave during a zombie panic situation. Go ahead, holler at them until you're blue in the face about the dangers of solo zombie extermination, they're probably already too far away to hear you. It's not until they are lying face down in a puddle of blood and bile that they realize the error of their ways (or not) and promptly leave the game. Pub kids make decent Left 4 Dead players pray for a real zombie survival situation, because after about a week there would be no more pub kids to worry about. These are their tendencies, don't try to explain to them how foolish their actions are. Trust me, if they wanted your opinion they would have made an effort to survive long enough to hear it.

Healing Before Closing the Safe Room Door

Left 4 Dead programmers have the capacity for abstract thought which pub kids simply don't possess. If a player is lucky enough to still have a medkit upon completion of a zombie panic situation, the game will add it to the team's health bonus. Pub kids have an inactive frontal lobe which makes this impossible for them to comprehend. Watch as they attempt to heal while being pummeled by a horde of zombies. Don't bother explaining that an unused medkit is worth more points; they can't hear over the wails of the zombies thoroughly fucking them up.

Shooting the Alarm Car

Pub kids are well aware of the negative repercussions involved with putting a bullet into a Buick equipped with an alarm. Somewhere out there is a horde of hungry zombies waiting, and the pub kids know it. Count on them to sound the dinner bell anyway. Our special tonight is homemade shit sandwich made to order by the kid in the safe room. I guess it's kind of like the light socket that their parents told them not to stick a fork in, just too tempting to pass up.

Startling the Witch

Nobody knows why pub kids display such magnetism to an emaciated woman with 8 inch claws, or why they feel the need to engage in slapping matches with her. Perhaps a lack of female interaction or a deep seeded tendency to abuse women is the cause. You do have to hand it to them though, I've never seen such creative ways to get killed in my life.

Attempting to End the Zombie Panic Solo

Just watch them to get their brass balls removed and fed to them. Pub kids have so much faith in their zombie survival skills that they will tell the rest of their team exactly where to stick it and fly solo. Just make sure to rush to their aid when they are being disemboweled in a different area code. Johnny Rambo would be impressed.

Leaving After Losing a Round

Left 4 Dead is not an easy zombie game. It requires teamwork and an I.Q. greater than 54 which often proves to be too much for pub kids. Jesus help you if you lose a round, ESPECIALLY the first round. Pub kids have better things to do than fuck around on a team that is less than infallible. Every minute they spent on your less than perfect team is a minute of gay bashing lost, you selfish bastard. If you want to keep the pub kids around you'd better step up your game.

I know by now you feel like punching a toddler. You're also wondering exactly how closely related these kids' parents were. Relax, you share the grief of decent Left 4 Dead players around the world. You've tried using logic on them, reverse psychology, and outright hostility; all have failed. What now? I suggest a smoking habit, if that doesn't work, lead aspirin is a great alternative.

Left 4 Dead Becomes Left 5 Dead

I recently stumbled upon promotional pictures developed by photographic novel stuido Night Zero depicting their own Left 4 Dead photo shoot.

The characters in Left 4 Dead have become icons in the gaming world, specifically in the vein of zombie survival. Players of Left 4 Dead can recognize the idiosyncrasies that each survivor of the zombie game possesses. These unique traits have been widely popularized by the gaming community and made the characters of Left 4 Dead zombie survival icons.

The photo shoot depicts the survivors accurately down to every detail in hilarious fashion. Bill, Francis, Louis, and Zoey are perfect human incarnations of the Left 4 Dead characters. The resemblance is so striking that it's almost baffling. The shoot has an added 5th survivor which I believe is Cliff, the plucky crane operator with a heart of gold.

I found the 'startling the witch' photo the most brilliantly shot photo of the entire bunch. It sheds some light on what the witch looked like before being zombified, which is apparently smoking fuckin hot. The entire cast of zombie survivors were accurately depicted, and I found Bill the best replication of the Left 4 Dead zombie game character model.

A few of the blogs that I stumbled across made mention of a motion picture based on the game, alas from what I gathered from the Night Zero site, the function was merely homage to the zombie survival horror of Left 4 Dead.

It's a wonderful feeling to know that zombie obsession is leaking into every aspect of media. Perhaps with enough demand, Night Zero will extrapolate upon their photo shoot and film some sort of Left 4 Dead movie. Fans of Left 4 Dead will take some acclimation time to accept Cliff's "Deliverance", feel, but I imagine the zombie movie would be met with success.

Night Zero: Illustrated Zombie Panic

Night Zero is a photo comic book that is produced in Seattle, WA and incorporates elements of writing, acting, photography, digital art, and film. The novel is set to a background of zombie panic and follows the lives of survivors within Seattle. The setting is somewhat similar to the gated community featured at the end of I Am Legend coupled with the widespread zombie infection of Left 4 Dead.

Night Zero is available on their website as a web comic and is updated every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. There is also supplemental reading including a blog. The unique styling of Night Zero is a great addition to the library of any zombie fanatic and is a perfect zombie survival companion for fans of Left 4 Dead.

Zombie Movies You Should Watch

More supplemental reading for those interested in the gritty formation of zombie obsession. Through long periods of overexposure to the living dead by ways of the Zombie Survival Guide, zombie games, and the movies listed below, one can get a better idea of what it takes to be a hermit with a zombie obsession.

Night of the Living Dead

The obvious choice for favorite zombie movie. The Romero classic defined the American zombie and became the template for zombie movies to follow. The black and white film stock along with the slow and lumbering monstrosities create an ominous and uneasy feel to the zombie movie. This popularized the terror of a zombie panic situation and shook me in ways that few films have.

Dawn of the Dead

Another zombie movie on all enthusiast's top lists. The mall setting is a classic terrain for a zombie infestation. Being part of the original Romero zombie trilogy, it features the same staggering zombies that became a staple in the zombie community. The 2004 remake of this zombie movie is wonderful as well.

28 Days Later

One of the first zombie movies offering an alternative depiction of the creature. In 28 Days Later, zombies are displayed as infected beings instead of rotting re-animated corpses.Artsy in addition to being filled with gore, 28 Days Later is not the crude slaughter fest that most zombie movies are. It helped to redefine what is considered terrifying traits of zombie behavior and blurred the line as to what we consider a zombie. The sequel wasn't too bad either and featured some of the best cinematic shots ever witnessed in zombie film.

Dellamorte Dellamore (Cemetery Man)

An awesome zombie movie with plenty of disturbing images and a large body count. The movie is set apart by the fact that the zombie population is confined to a graveyard. The imminent harm in which the characters wander into give this zombie movie a unique "what the fuck are these people thinking?" charm. The elements of gore and emotionally unsettling images will shake even the most avid zombie fan boy. Dellamorte Dellamore also has some sort of philosophical quandary that gives this zombie movie a deeper meaning that simple tits and guts. However, I have yet to decipher it, the tits and guts were enough for me.

Re-Animator

If you haven't seen Re-Animator immediately check it out. H.P. Lovecraft's book Herbert West: Re-Animator along with the rest of his works. Once you've learned of his bad-assery, check out Re-Animator. This is another one of those zombie movies that entices you to think while offering plenty of boobs and brains to entertain you in the meantime. This zombie movie may completely redefine your stance on zombie ethics. The sequel titled Beyond Re-Animator is worth watching as well.

Shaun of the Dead

Sometimes we need to laugh away the horror that a night filled with flesh eating zombies can bring. Leaning heavily toward the humorous side of the zombie film, Shaun of the Dead is one of the better zombie movies-period. Shaun of the Dead has great blend of slapstick and dry zombie humor with plenty of gore to back it up. I don't know how it happened, but the U.K. makes one hell of a zombie movie.

Zombie Games You Should Play

It had recently dawned upon me that in order for any of my readers to relate to me they should know how I formed my zombie obsession. Here are some zombie games that you should play or at least know a little bit about in order to get an idea of where I'm coming from. Below is a list of the games that have fueled my zombie obsession. I haven't had a zombie free dream since before Left 4 Dead was released in November 2008, by the way.

Resident Evil

I was about 15 when I first played this game. I was absolutely petrified of zombies at the time; this game made me unable to sleep for days after first glimpse. It was Resident Evil that incited my hunger for zombie games and fueled my obsession to defeat the living dead.

Resident Evil 2

The sequel to the game that started my zombie obsession. Resident Evil 2 offered Better gameplay and an even more horrifying environment. Although not as emotionally impacting as the original, it was still a wonderful addition to my growing collection of zombie media. I have yet to complete the game and it tears at my very being.

Dead Rising

Dead Rising was the first game I purchased for XBox 360 after a long hiatus from zombie games and culture. It rekindled my love for the genre and molded me into the zombie fanatic I am today. Many a long hour was spent mercilessly slaying zombies in blissful blood lust.

Left 4 Dead

The long anticipated multiplayer zombie killing experience. Unsure of the actual release date, long nights driving to every Seven Eleven in the Detroit Metro area left me unsatisfied until its appearance at Best Buy. Valve's brilliant attempt at zombie survival. Left 4 Dead ensured that my love for zombies is eternal.

Resident Evil 5

After a long break from the Resident Evil bloodline, the most recent installment of the zombie panic series again caught my attention. The seamless transition from zombie survival to zombie action along with the co-op function makes Resident Evil 5 a breakthrough in the series. It will leave many zombie enthusiasts disappointed, but not this one.

Dead Rising 2: More Zombies for Your Buck

The latest in zombie game news is the ridiculous capacity for on screen zombies that Dead Rising 2 has to offer. Capcom's Dead Rising does not live up to the zombie game glory that is the Resident Evil series, but was nonetheless a humorous and oftentimes horrifying zombie panic.

Dead Rising 2 is said to have the capacity to render 6000 on screen characters at a time, which would basically shatter the record. 6k zombies are enough to horrify any player as well as any graphic designer. The game also offers over 800 costume designs for the zombies including showgirls and zombified high rollers.

According to the original article Blue Castle games is making this their primary action.

Zombie Flashback

The original Dead Rising was one of the more creative zombie games for its time in the sense that virtually anything and everything could be used as a weapon. While it was truly a spectacle to see juiced out photojournalist Frank West swing a gumball machine like a wiffle ball bat, the game itself was renowned for the number of characters it could render without slowing down.

Dead Rising was great for mindless zombie extermination with a plethora of different weapons. It took awhile, but the novelty did wear off and players would be forced to resort to unlocking achievements which were impossible. Yes I said impossible, if you've gotten a shot of the PP sticker in the back of Chris' Fine Foods I demand to know how. Despite the meticulously difficult achievements, Dead Rising was without a doubt a great zombie game.

If Dead Rising 2 hits the goal of 6,000 characters, it will be a true feat in the zombie gaming world. Most people probably don't even want to know what that many zombies looks like, but here's a taste.

I told you I'm out of singles lady!